I need something to be good. I need something to feel right. OK? I’m not depressed. My heart is not broken. I’m not grieving. She’s not dead. She’s out there. She’s living out her dreams. And I know, I know she’s happy. And that makes me feel proud for her. But there is this other feeling that doesn’t completely feel fair. Or right. Or good. She goes on day in and day out, happy without me. And every morning I wake up and there’s this pit, this feeling here that maybe my dreams are over. Maybe, maybe I had my dreams, and they’re over now. And I’m going to be this single guy. No wife, no kids, no family. She was my family. And now she’s someplace else, and I let her go. And it’s good that I did. I mean, it’s better for her. But for me… So I need something to be good. I need a reason to get up every morning, to not crawl back in that cave that I was in before I met her. You know she saved me. You were there. You remember how I was. I was dark. That war made me dark. And that darkness, it is still in me. She just lit it up. So I just thought, I just thought, maybe to beat back that darkness, I would be something good. I would do something good.
Smile so the tears don’t show, laugh like you don’t hurt at all. Fake it so he will never know, that you still haven’t let him go.
Because underlying all those other things is this bottomless despair and it just… hollows you out.